Christmas 2010

I cannot believe it! It’s been too long since I’ve posted here! 18 months was the last one? Holy heck, where have I been? Oh yeah, in toddlerville.

It’s been too long. Sorry about that! They are now 2-1/2 years old and in preschool, can you believe that? They are loving it!! So am I! Time off is like heaven to me. Don’t get me wrong, they are the coolest couple of kids you’d ever meet, but time off is precious around here. They are all over the place. Talking up a storm and learning so much. They can count…mostly. Cameron is very good at it and enjoys counting. He knows the entire alphabet. He’s starting to recognize letters and he recognizes most numbers that he sees. He sings songs that he’s heard maybe once or twice in his lifetime. He seems to read books occasionally, but I am a bit in disbelief on that one. It just seems like it cause he’ll pick up a book he hadn’t seem in months and tell me the title. I can understand about 90% of what he says. He’s putting so many words together in coherent sentences, I’m totally flabbergasted every time he speaks up. Kiefer is getting much better. I understand about 65% of what he says. Maybe a little more on good days. He sings…or at least tries to sing. He has a hard time sticking with the tune, but you can tell what he’s trying to sing at least. He’s gotten very clingy to me, which I’m not at all upset about. Cameron wants nothing to do with me most of the time. At night, both boys want their daddy to put them to bed. I’m still waiting for them to ask for me. It’s an extreme rarity. I think both have asked once in their lifetime for me to put them to bed. It breaks my heart, but I know I’ll get my time some day.

They are starting potty training. That’s a hoot. OK, not really. They started out ok, but then we had construction in the house and went on vacation in the middle of it, and it kind of messed things up. Now they don’t want to use the toilet or potty unless they are taking a bath. They have no trouble using the toilets at school….just not here. One day, I’m going to have to surprise them with undies only. I’m going to have to get my cleaning supplies out and ready for those days. I don’t look forward to that, but I am hoping for good results. They both think the pull-up is a diaper and use it as such. But, I know Kiefer does not like it when he’s naked and goes on the floor. He freaks out if he sees doody on the floor. I’m hoping that’ll encourage him to use the potty once the undies are on. Cameron, I’m not sure how much he cares if he’s gone on the floor. All I know is they have to be trained by 3 years old. They can still be in pull-ups in pre-k, but they’d like them to be able to wear undies during the day time, pull-ups at nap. I’m not in a huge rush yet. They have until June to learn to use the potty. But wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to change so many diapers/pull-ups any more….

I’ve learned as they get into the kitchen cabinets and drawers that they like jobs. I tell them to throw somethign out or get somethign for me, they love it. Absolutely love knowing they can help. They don’t get in to as much stuff if I have a job for them. I still don’t cook much though. I feel awful about that one, but I don’t cook. I have to face the fact that I will never love it. I just need to learn how to do it on a timely basis and plan my meals. I have never had to plan them before. I know how to organized the time, but I just don’t know how to keep them occupied while I cook without them getting their hands on the stove top, in the oven, or in a drawer. So, I tend to hold off as long as I can. Sometimes their daddy is available to help. It’s still difficult.

Speaking of dogs, I have since lost my dog, Sparky. She’s gone to rainbow bridge. I am now in possession of her ashes. It’s still sad, but I feel good at the same time. I feel like this is what she wanted. I got that feeling from the day she was supposed to be put down. We were planning on a Wednesday, but Kiefer got sick just as we were about to go to the vet’s. Well, we rescheduled for that Friday. No one got sick so off we went. On that Wednesday, however, I saw the look on her face. She actually looked disappointed. She was so ready to go. The next day, it was like looking at a ghost. She was not supposed to be there. Her spirit was already halfway out the door! Friday came and she wanted to get into the vet’s office. She doesn’t like the vet’s very much, but she knew why she was there. It was a sad day for me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But, by the look on her face, she was at peace. Skye has been missing her terribly. She’s had a few acupuncture appointments since and that has helped her out tons. She now has some liver and pancreas problems to work through and a wound on her nose from surgery. She had a suspicious mole on her nose removed. We have yet to get the results of the biopsy. She’s still having trouble eating, but she does eat at least. She’s getting old. I’m not sure how long Skye will be with us, but I’m hoping for a couple of years at least. She’s not as interested in the boys as she used to be. I accept that. She’s used to being alone all this time because of Sparky, but it’s sad to see her be so aloof around the boys as they love her so much. She will lick them and play a little with them, but then it’s back in to her room. The boys ask about Sparky. It’ hard as they don’t understand death yet. They accept it when I tell them she’s not here anymore. They just love Skye though and do ask for her some times.

She recently has been to the vet who found that she has arthritis in both her back hips, she’s losing her hearing (quickly it seems), and she’s starting to lose her eyesight. She’s also got asthmatic bronchitis, OCD (osteochondritis) in her shoulder, and more arthritis in her elbow. Meanwhile, she’s got babies to share her attention with. We are moving…yet again. Her world around her is just so uncertain these days. She seems to put up with everything so well, but yet, she’s getting old and things are going to get harder and harder for her to deal with. I’m just hoping the new house has a yard she can get some energy out in. She doesnt’ have much time left in her before she won’t be able to take advantage of the freedom of a fenced in back yard. We don’t have one in this house adn she really needs one. She may not be able to run like she wants to, but she’ll have the freedom to do whatever she’s capable of then. Skye can also get some bottled up energy out. She needs to so badly! She’s young enough where she’s got a few years left of that energy to burn off.

I just hope that Sparky is able to deal with all this change a little longer. I’m going to miss her sooooo terribly much when she passes. That time is getting nearer and I’m so afraid of it. I don’t know how well I will be able to handle it. She was my first baby. We shared so much together.I taught her so much, and she taught me in return. She’s so special to me, but these days I have not been able to show it. I know this hurts her. I know she doesn’t understand what’s really going on here. She is not very baby friendly, but she’s doing her best to respect their existence here. I’m so proud of her for getting this far. She’s trusting me so much that i will not smack her around the babies like her first family did. I would never hurt her. She does act up around them unfortunately though. She’s never hurt them, but she’s gotten snippy towards them and I let her know I do not like that behavior. I just keep in mind how she’s refraining from doing anything more than a snip in the air. I dont’ let her stay around them alone at least. Skye, loves these boys and has been a angel around them. I’m not worried about her. I’m actually more concerned with her pruning them than biting.

Every day, however, I do try to give Sparky some attention to remind her that she is still special to me. I jsut hope she sees that she is so dear to me. I love her so much!

Meanwhile, I am SOO FRIGGIN’ ITCHY!!! There are three reasons I am this itchy still. I have acquired more stretch marks on my belly and now on my legs, My edema has gotten worse especially on my legs, and my Pupps is also more wide spread. All this has gotten to the point where I’m about to rip my skin off my body despite the pain and bleeding that would occur. One thing that is frustrating is that this itchyness won’t be going away as soon as these babies come out. The itching will eventually, but not right away. I’ll also be left with tons of stretch marks that will take a very long time to heal and a saggy belly that’ll take a while to also go back to near normal. *sarcasm* OOOO something else to look forward to! Well, there is one thing to look forward to. Even though I’ll be waking up a lot to feed these babies, I’m hoping that the sleep I’ll haveis more restful than what I’m having now. Once this itching goes away, I’ll be able to have a couple of hours of scratch-free sleep and even pee-free sleep! It’ll be a step up from what’s going on now.

My mother is visiting tomorrow and will be around until the 30th. It’ll be nice having her here. Then my hubby’s aunt and uncle are visiting for about a week, maybe more, to help out. That’ll be nice having her here too. I’ll need all the help I can get. My mother will be back on July 12 for a few days to continue helping out. Then my uncle and aunt may be visiting for a day or so on their way to New Jersey like they do every year. That’ll be nice to have them here too. They wouldn’t be coming to help, but more to meet the two new little squirts. My Dad will make a very brief visit this Wednesday. I have mixed feelings about that. Now, I’m ecstatic he’ll be here. I’m looking forward to seeing him, I’d just have wished he’d be hanging around longer. His excuse was that he has tons of patients to see and had to move for this. Not exactly the nice sentiment I was hoping to hear especially since he could have made his visit this Friday and stayed until Sunday when he doesn’t have patients. However, on the other hand, it is somewhat of a special thing to see someone at the hospital. He’ll see me and his two new grandsons before coming home. he won’t be here in time for the birth, but it’s close enough. I never expected him to be here in time for the birth. That would have been a bit too soon especially with his schedule. So, I’m not going to complain. I’m a little disappointed it’ll be such a brief visit while I can’t really see him for long. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him, but he’s coming to see me and the two boys, and it’s really going to be so nice to have him here. I hope to see him again before the end of the year though. At least then I’ll be out of the hospital and be able to give him more attention. I guess I just miss him, and I know he’s really looking forward to meeting his two new grandsons.

When we get home, with the two boys, we plan on making a few trips back home with some clothes and stuff for my dogs to smell so they are at least familiar with what these boys will smell like. I’m SOOO hoping Sparky will welcome them with no problems, but if she’s freaked out, then we’ll just have to do a slow introduction with her. It’ll work out. She’s a good girl and I know she means well. Babies scare her since she was abuse, so she may just get a little concerned at first as to what I’m going to do with her. Nothing of course. I’d never hurt her, but dogs don’t forget as much as people say they do. I remember when I first brought Skye home, she felt replaced and pushed aside. I WILL NOT let her go through that again! It was heart breaking! Eitherway, I’m thinking I’m makign too much of this and the dogs will do what’s right to the best of their ability.

I’m at 32 weeks and 3 days. My doctor said to not be surprised if these boys want to come out at around 34 weeks. That’s at least a week and a half away!  Can you believe that? It feels so soon! I mean, I have been waiting a long time for these boys to finish baking and even more so to get pregnant at all! I know I deserve this chance to be a mom, but my life is going to change so fast so much so soon! It honestly scares me. I’m not sitting in some remote corner of my house, rocking back and forth mumbling incomplete thoughts repeatedly over it or anything, but the idea that within one month, my entire life and focus will be changed.

Of course, worries of will I be a good mom, will Jason enjoy his new role as a dad, will my dogs be good girls and welcome these boys into their lives with little to no complications, will these boys be healthy… I could go on. These worries are neverending. Normal worries, I’m sure, but neverending. I guess I have to get used to that too…list of the neverevending worries. It’s part of being a mom I suppose.

Now, this does not by any means that I want to follow in the steps of my own mother. She had her good days and bad days of being a mom, but I hope to stay to my own values and morals and only take in the things that I learned from my mother that I found helpful and disregard the ones that I didn’t feel taught me much at all. I want to feel like I learned to be a better mother than my mother was to me. The only thing that becomes a huge challenge is that she never raised twins. That part makes me nervous. I see how much of a challenge it is to raise one child at a time…I gotta raise two at once! I know I’m going to get some advice from family members, and some of that advice will be good and useful, but some of it I’ll have to filter out and be patient with those offering their help even if I don’t want to hear it. I’ve had plenty of practice with that already and so far I think I’ve done a good job taking in only what I want to use or consider. It just gets harder when the same person gives me the same advice over and over again. it feels pushy rather than just a friendly suggestion.

My mother will rarely but has at least twice now picked on my baby registry. Now, nothing she’s said is bad. She’s not saying I’ve picked out bad items or anything, but that these are deluxe items and it makes me look like a new mom. Now, I am a new mom and I want to get the best for my boys. You never really get the chance to have another first child (or in my case, two children) so you do want the best for him or her. I see nothing wrong with what I have for them. I’m sure some things I get may not be something that these boys care for, but every baby is that way. Sure, they may find the box the toy comes in to be more fascinating than the toy itself, but that doesn’t mean just give the boys a bunch of boxes for their birthdays. If we do have another child…IF…. then a lot of these items will be good for hand-me-downs. Some of them may be helpful to family members that also have children of their own and we have no more use for an item or so. We also can sell some of the used or not-so-used items online if it comes to that. Nothing wrong with making a little money after they run out of uses for the things they have.

Another concern I do have is the dogs. They need my attention. We think we’ve come up with a decent solution, and that is since the babies will be spending the night in their own room from day one, then night time, after the boys go to bed, will be dog attention time. Already, these dogs are used to less attention so they will be ready for the lack of it once these babies come home. That will help a great deal. Now, they also get to spend time with us when they go for a walk, when one of us is not with the babies, and when they are napping. Course, some of that attention they will be getting is napping with us and not play time. However, they are old dogs and napping has become more frequent anyhow so I’m not too worried about that. At no point will I deny then the right to be involved with our lives with these babies, but they will have to learn some manners when in the company of these babies. I have faith that Sparky will take on the role of a good big fur sister and not see these boys as intruders or attention hogs. I’m hoping to get to the point where she will see these babies’ roles as family members and mommy’s property which means she’s not to get her nose too close without permission and is not to harm these babies in any way. I will be watching her closely and encouraging her to play nice and be patient. She can do it, I’ve seen her do it. I KNOW she’s a sweetie that wants to be a good girl. I’m not too worried about Skye at this point. She’s got patience and a sweet disposition around people. I just hope that her need to protect Sparky from her own (Sparky’s) anxiety doesn’t make her too nervous being around these babies.

Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to the baby shower that’s coming up on Friday. I already have an idea of what to expect, but for the most part, it’s still a surprise to me. I don’t know what is ordered for lunch other than where the food is coming from. I don’t know what games are planned other than there will be games, and I don’t know how things will look other than that we have decorations to put up. The house has already been cleaned so that helps a lot with some of the anxiety of having guests over. I’ll probably have to keep the dogs in the laundry room since we will have a baby and a young boy there that may make her nervous. So far, I’m still in good shape. I’m walking without crutches, I’m not going in to labor, and I have a decent amount of energy still left in me that I can enjoy the company and party without having to take breaks. I’m not on bedrest like I was worried I would be. Carrying around a couple of large babies this far in the pregnancy game is no easy task, but I’ve been playing the game well, and I am still up for the task of carrying them around on my own two feet with little to no assistance….not that Jason hasn’t helped me through a lot of this. He’s been so good to me. He seems to enjoy helping out when he can, though I can tell some of this has been hard on him and makes him feel overwhelmed. He’s been amazing though. I give him so much credit for doing the best he can to take me places that he normally doesn’t go with me to, helping me around the house when I’m unable to walk or do certain things, and has been great with fixing up the place to make it ready for guests and of course the arrival of the babies. I couldn’t ask for a better man!

Well, I think I’ve worn down these computer keys enough with this long post. I’ll continue on after I know more from my doctor appointment on Thursday and my nest ultrasound on Tuesday.  I jsut ahve a feeling things are about to change soon.

I just can’t wait for my February 14th ultrasound appointment. That’s the big appointment where they look over the anatomy of each baby and even determine the gender if the babies cooperate. I hope they do. I really want to know!  It amazes me how much I’m showing. I’m so proud of my belly too. I never thought I’d actually feel proud of how big it is! I’m a bit overweight to begin with so looking at my belly sticking out usually makes me feel fat and not so good about it. But, not I just stare at it in the mirror and smile. I know they are in there. I know why it’s getting bigger. I even hold my belly sometimes and think good thoughts to encourage the babies’ growth and health.  I’ll even talk to them. I know they can’t hear me know, but I can’t help it. I just love them!

The only thing now I’m wondering is..how are the dogs going to react when they see they have a new human family to watch over. Funny thing is, I do feel Sparky will not feel as threatened with her human parents’ children as she does with other people’s children. I feel confident that Skye will also adapt well. But, I can’t help but wonder. No matter what, I’ll make it work!

I do have the analyzing dream very often and I love trying to figure them out. I had one last night. Let me tell you a little background to the dream. In any analyzing dreams that have a large message to send me, I am usually pictured as a dog or, more often so, with a dog. I was not pictured as or with a dog this time but it did have to do with it I believe.

Dream: I was watching the news when story come on about a fatal car accident. The news released the name of the fatality and it turned out to be one of the dog’s vets. One I happened to admire a lot and one both my dogs like a lot. This is horrible! My reaction to the news was not one of horror though, it was more trying to realize my feelings. I was saddened but ok. That pretty much was the end of the dream. It was short but very focused.

Analysis: Why was I ok with this. I really liked her. My dogs really liked her. I started to realize, the dream was focused on the feelings I had more so than the actual event. Sure I’d be saddened by the doctor’s demise, but in this case I think it had to do with change and letting something go, like the need to be taken care of in a health aspect of my life. Like I said before, I am usually pictured as a dog or with a dog in my dreams, but I felt this vet’s accident had more to do with me as a dog. I’m still unclear as to why I am letting go of this care. I’m still working on that one, but I do feel that I am thinking in the right direction.

Death in a dream does not mean the end of something. It usually means leaving something behind..a change or letting go of something depending on how you are picturing death. I certainly do not with the death of my vet, but I think she, being an admire figure of knowledge, nurturing, and care, her demise has a lot more to do with letting go of one of those things. It could be the change of something in my health. Something in my health that has to do with something kind and nurturing. Could be letting go of something of that nature as well. Due to my recent situation of yet another miscarriage, one could think of the dream having to do with that. I am not sure. I don’t like to think everything I dream of is about that. But it certainly is possible.

I have more analyzing to do, but I feel strongly I’m on the correct road to figuring it out.