It’s been a long time…

I had taken a little hiatus from posting here. I have been going through a rough time. I was pregnant. Key word…was. For a while this pregnancy seemed to be finally working out. It was the fifth time I became pregnant, but the second time after my surgery. I had gotten a septum removed, which is why we were so sure it was going to work.

On the third pregnancy, we had gotten to 6 weeks 2 days with a very weak heart beat during our first ultrasound. It was the first time we ever got that far and the doctor didn’t seem immediately concerned, so we figured that was normal. She asked for us to return at our 9th week for another ultrasound. Not a problem! How exciting is this! Things were looking good for me. I didn’t bleed or anything. Barely even had any symptoms at all! I just figured I was one of the lucky ones ;). Well, time for my 9th week appointment. We got to the doctor’s and was immediately brought to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound person they had was so rough! Different from the other doctor’s office who had originally seen the baby at 6 weeks. It’s like she was digging for gold! She didn’t have a great bedside manner and just showed little concern for my comfort. She didn’t show us the screen at first, but I insisted she tell me what she saw. She wasn’t looking happy at all. Well, there was no heartbeat or movement. The baby had died at 6 weeks 2 days. That was the same age as the last time I saw the baby. That baby passed away and was probably dead by the end of the last ultrasound.

I had a possible miscarriage in November when I visited Virginia on vacation, but it was a very early miscarriage so I didn’t think much of it. This time in January, when we found out I was pregnant, we were so happy. Somehow, it just felt like it was going to stick and everything was going to be fine. At our 7th week ultrasound, which was the first ultrasound appointment, we saw a very healthy 6 weeks 6 day old fetus with a strong heartbeat at 115 bpm. This time at the 7th week check-up, the heartbeat was strong and the fetus had grown older than last time. Something just felt so right. We decided to make a couple of announcements to friends and family. Well SOME is a bit of an underestimation. I told a bunch of family members. I told some people at my school. We even shopped for a stroller. We ended up returning it because of the reviews not being the best. Though it is a good stroller, it was just a bit heavy for me. We were looking up furniture, and discussing what we wanted to do as far as living arrangements and for how long. We even came up with a name! Our doctor had told us to come back in a week. With my history of miscarriages, they wanted to keep a close eye on this one. Jason and I arrived back at the reproductive endocrinologist’s office and got ourselves ready for the ultrasound. I was nervous, as was Jason, since the last time we were at a second ultrasound things went badly. Well, I still had more hope but, I was containing it. We saw the sack…..but no movement. I looked nervously at Jason and I can see the apprehension in his face too. There were two doctors in the room. One doctor had not used the new machine before, but she was the one using the machine on me. The other doctor, who had used it before many times, was trying to tell her what to do. She then took over the ultrasound to get a second opinion. She tried every angle just to get a heartbeat. ….Nothing. Not even a slight budge. At 8 weeks, there should have been plenty of movement. There was nothing. She measured it. She said the baby should have been at 8 weeks 4 or 5 days. It was measuring at 7 weeks 2 days. More than the first time, but just as painful to see. At least she was a lot more considerate of my comfort and feelings as the last ultrasound technician from that last confirmed pregnancy.

Yesterday, I was scheduled for a D&C. That’s when the doctor basically goes in and cleans out the uterus and removes any and all tissue related to the miscarriage. I had asked the doctor before going through the procedure while I was waiting to be taken into the room, what sort of tests would he be doing on the tissue. He said he isn’t going to. he didn’t feel it would make any difference to future pregnancies and not really give us an answer to what’s wrong. So many things can cause a miscarriage, and any one of them can cause a miscarriage at any time. He’d rather focus on the next pregnancy and trying to better the chances than figuring out what happened at this time. He seemed to be concerned with making his clients spend money and wasting it on something that isn’t going to change anything. He’d rather his clients spend their money on better their chances with further attempts with different approaches. I like his philosophy. He does seem to want what’s in our best interest. He also said to please write down a list of everything we want to know and any concerns we have at our follow-up. Answering my questions now before I get the procedure done, he was afraid I wouldn’t remember anything after wards.

Well. The procedure went smoothly, I think. I believe I was supposed to be put under to the point where I’d be semi-awake but wouldn’t remember a thing. Well, I was well aware the entire time. It didn’t take long and he was very gentle. I think I was supposed to be under more, and I don’t think they realized how awake I was. All I felt was a lot of pressure with some little pinches and something cold. I mentioned to the doctor that something felt cold. He thought that was weird. Guess it wasn’t supposed to be cold LOL. He seemed only slightly aware that I was fully awake. It didn’t bother me at all. My eyes were closed the whole time. He then said, “OK, we are done!” the table lowered and at that point, I went completely out of it. I kind of remember being brought back into my little waiting/recovery room where Jason was waiting patiently for me. The next thing I know, I woke up just where I last remembered….in the recovery room. I don’t know how long I was asleep but wow was I out of it. I still remember everything about the procedure, but after that is a blur. I guess they started too quickly LOL.

Well, soon after I woke up, I was on my way home. Jason drove me home and I just went up to bed. I was exhausted. I slept from 11am to about 6:30pm. I talked to a couple of people about my experience. I started to cramp a bit. It was so painful too! I took some motrin but it only helped a little. Luckily it started to go away by the time I was ready to sleep. I eventually went back to sleep around 4am. I woke up in time to walk my dogs the next morning around 10:30am, emailed my teacher that I wasn’t going to be in class today and went back to sleep. I woke up around 4:30pm and I’m feeling so much better. I still get the occasional cramp, and emotionally I’m a little empty, but otherwise, feeling better than I have been. I’m glad I have the weekend off. I just know I wouldn’t be able to make it through school. Just having Jason around has really helped me out. He’s such a good supporting husband and a great best friend. I couldn’t get through this without him. I know this is tough on him too. He’s been so good through all this. He’s so strong. He’s my rock. He’s a never ending source of good hugs and kind thoughts. I couldn’t ask for a better husband!

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