Lately I’ve been having these worrisome nerves about starting again. Part of it is the whole tiresome process of the IVF drugs. I can handle the shots, but it’s just a lot of work. There’s timing, and the physical effects.
I then move on to pregnancy. I’m just starting to get into a new career. In fact, I’m supposed to graduate this December. If this IVF treatment works. I’ll be in my 4th or 5th month of pregnancy. Not that I’ll be showing, but it’ll seem so unfair to a new job that I start and then have to take a maternity leave so soon. But, then I remember that that’s how life is sometimes. If you want one thing badly enough, other things may have to be inconvenienced. If I have to, I can always find another job at my convenience. I know I could use the extra financial help though. I’ll survive, I usually do.
Then I worry about having a baby. Do I want one because I can’t resist the challenge of making a baby, or is it really something I want, and I am just doing what I need to to get that goal accomplished? That worry gets to me the most. But, then I see someone with their baby, and I just remember how much I want to be a mom. However, as time goes by, I go back to the thoughts of a baby that fusses and won’t sleep. One that tosses food around the house, and kicks the dogs. One that screams at everything including at night when I have a migraine and Jason is not feeling well either. I then wonder if these images of a fussy and difficult baby because of my worries that I’m not going to be a good mom. I’ve never been one. Only a mom to my furbabies, and I suppose that’s a start. I’ve made some mistakes there, but I suppose that’s normal. I look at my families children at their different stages and remember just the plentiful amounts of sweet times that their babies have not been fussy. They are happy and playing with their toys, cooing and laughing at whatever amuses them. They do learn to pet the dogs nicely, and they don’t always cry at night. It reminds me that having a baby is not about the difficulties they may bring, but there’s so much more. And, that’s what I’m looking for. The good and happy times makes it all worth the while, even if it’s not all the time. I know Jason wants one. I see the way he talk to our dogs. He loves them so much, and I just hear it in his voice how ready he is to have a child of his own.
I make myself sick sometimes with the concerns that pop into my head.